july 23, 2020

"do you feel lonely?" a psychiatrist asked, so i said "oh, very much." she was silent for a couple seconds, and said "aw..." then i cried.

july 18, 2020

어렸을때엔 겁이 별로 없었던 것 같은데 나이가 먹을수록 무서운 것이 많아진다 2년 전 공황발작을 처음 경험한 뒤로는 죽음이 무섭다 어제 오후, 침대에 걸터앉아 컴퓨터로 책을 읽다가 잠이 들랑 말랑하고 있었는데 갑자기 엄마가 돌아가시던 때의 느낌이 확 생각났다 그 때 어떻게 버텼는지 스스로가 고맙고 안쓰럽다 살면서 그런 경험을 또 해야한다고 생각하면 너무 겁이 난다 나는 몸을 크게 떨지 않고 잘 이겨낼 수 있을까 나는 공황장애를 겪기 전의 나로 다시 살아갈 수 있을까

may 10, 2020

it is the first mother's day that falls on may 10th since my mother passed away on the day eleven years ago. we ain't american, yet this american mother's day has meant significantly since then.

april 26, 2020

there is something comforting about listening to the sound of a family, home. i thought of this scene from Gravity today while on facetime with two friends. they were making cookies virtually together. i didn't make any cookies, but for three hours just listened to kitchenware clinking, tv or music playing in their houses and them talking to their partners.

it's heartwarming.

april 2, 2020

it’s the week 3 since the stay at home order in new york. many things have changed in my daily routine no matter how hard i tried to follow the schedule i had before all these happened.

it’s inevitable to reflect on past events when i am staying home alone. with a cat to be exact. i always thought i spent too much time dwelling on memories. surprisingly enough from this quarantine i found that there were so many i had forgotten or avoided to remember.

it's been an emotional year so far.

i am somewhat grateful to have this time to think of what was left.