may 29, 2014

ten days have passed since grandma passed away. I went to LA to attend the funeral last week. as of my grandma's passing I have lost three family members in recent five years. I still can't believe they left and went to sleep forever that I cannot see them again. when I told my friend about my grandma's passing she told me how she's worried because I lost three important people within such a short period of time. 

when my mom passed away five years ago I couldn't even tell anyone about it for a week. even to my boyfriend at the time. cried for hours every day and lost twenty pounds. it was the first death I encountered. didn't know what to say, what to do.

I left LA as if I was escaping from all darkness and sorrow I felt. LA was as it is best known for always sunny, sunny, sunny, and dry, but the shadow was as strong and my face was wet from sweating and crying. in NY I felt and I still do feel guilty that I left my grandma alone there since I helped and talked to her the most. as grandpa passed away and grandma went into emergency rooms thousand times my guilt grew bigger but I couldn't go back. I just couldn't. I couldn't. crossed the country four times last year to see her, yet had to come back to NY leaving many I-love-yous and I-miss-yous to her.

from this funeral though I realized I wasn't the only one who suffered from the loss. I could see my dad who lost his wife and parents in five years and my little brother who had to say good-bye to his mom when he was still in middle school. for my selfishness, immaturity and impatience, I didn't stay there, hang in there with them.

don't want to get used to lose precious things in life thinking it is inevitable. hate to give distances to people knowing I am gonna lose them anyway. I may have subconsciously however. so sad.