march 9, 2021

 a conversation with nurses at a GI clinic during the initial check in yesterday went like

“do you have depression?” (after looking at my chart)
“yes”
“are you depressed today?”
“... yeah... a little bit”
“why? how do you feel?”
“well I am having hard time breathing today”
“that’s not depression”
“I also have panic disorder” (which should’ve been on my chart)
“ohhhh”
“do you have thoughts of harming yourself?”
“... no”

the two immigrant, judging from their accents, mid aged nurses were cute when they said “ohhhhhh” in harmony but it made me think how inconsiderate their questions were. knowing that they are not mental health professionals didn’t help. but at least they had more sympathy than my therapist. my therapist asked the same questions at every therapy session and didn’t listen to me when I tried to elaborate. I gave up on talking to the therapist about myself and gave her answers that she would’ve wanted from her patients. and she is not the first therapist I am giving false answers.

one of the nurses asked me if I was feeling any better after seeing the doctor. she was very sweet and I really appreciated her asking but what else could I say than “yep.” often I find myself giving up on being honest. it’s much easier for both of us to end this conversation and move on. she said I could ask the doctor to write a referral to another therapist. I refused because of the insurance but I thanked her. I was very grateful for the kindness.