march 14, 2021
병원에 가면 가족들 생각이 난다 요즘 병원을 자주 가다보니 가족들 생각이 많이 난다 오늘은 치과 의자에 앉아 의사를 기다리고 있으니 어제 오랜만에 영상통화로 본 아빠의 얼굴이 떠올랐다 통화를 하다가 아빠가 실수로 뭘 잘못 눌렀는지 카메라가 켜지면서 영상통화로 연결이 됐는데 스크린 속 아빠가 낯설도록 많이 늙어있었다 틀니를 안하고 있어서 더 핼쑥한 얼굴이었고 아빠도 민망한듯 이제 일어나서 얼굴이 말이 아니라고 말하며 기름진 머리를 털었다
40대의 아빠가 두 세 살 즈음의 남동생과 찍은 사진이 생각났다 치과 치료를 제때 못받고 앞니를 몇 개 빼서 듬성듬성 했지만 얼굴에는 활기가 있고 힘이 넘쳤다 옆 진료실에서 시끄럽게 울리는 치료기기 소리를 들으며 사십대 초 중반이면 아직 너무 젊은데 이가 없어서 얼마나 부끄러운 마음이 들었을까 하고 생각했다 병원에서 가족을 생각하면 너무 슬프고 화가 난다 어려운 일 아닌데 왜 가족들한테는 병원가는 일이 자신을 돌보는 일이 어렵고 힘든 일이었지 하고 짜증이 나서 괴롭다 눈물이 삐져 나오려고 하는데 의사가 들어와 마취한 부분에 감각이 있냐고 물어봐서 코만 훌쩍였다
march 9, 2021
a conversation with nurses at a GI clinic during the initial check in yesterday went like
“do you have depression?” (after looking at my chart)
“yes”
“are you depressed today?”
“... yeah... a little bit”
“why? how do you feel?”
“well I am having hard time breathing today”
“that’s not depression”
“I also have panic disorder” (which should’ve been on my chart)
“ohhhh”
“do you have thoughts of harming yourself?”
“... no”
the two immigrant, judging from their accents, mid aged nurses were cute when they said “ohhhhhh” in harmony but it made me think how inconsiderate their questions were. knowing that they are not mental health professionals didn’t help. but at least they had more sympathy than my therapist. my therapist asked the same questions at every therapy session and didn’t listen to me when I tried to elaborate. I gave up on talking to the therapist about myself and gave her answers that she would’ve wanted from her patients. and she is not the first therapist I am giving false answers.
one of the nurses asked me if I was feeling any better after seeing the doctor. she was very sweet and I really appreciated her asking but what else could I say than “yep.” often I find myself giving up on being honest. it’s much easier for both of us to end this conversation and move on. she said I could ask the doctor to write a referral to another therapist. I refused because of the insurance but I thanked her. I was very grateful for the kindness.
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